Tired… but, on the nature of being RUDE.

Just a bit of background (loosely worded to remove context). I was waiting in a truck for a friend to come back from the store when two guys come up next to me (or at least I thought was two guys). They were apparently renting a trailer, or a truck and a trailer.) Anyway, they come strolling by (I didn’t notice or even see or care about them), and the second guy, who’s severely lacking mental facility, goes “is he masturbating”? Now, I was cleaning my glasses at the time, so, I can see how this might’ve happened. Anyway, he kept on going so much as to call me rude. We were parked in the “Pro” spot (read: not a trailer spot). The other guy just blurted out “If you don’t get in the truck, I’m leaving without you” and that was the end of that. This dude was so serious (about what, I have no clue), that he was going to call the cops over…what? A parking space? I don’t even know if there was a second guy, this is how inane this gets. Most importantly, why in the hell would you call the police because someone parked in a parking space? This is what we’ve come to as a society. I’ll forgo the second example, lest I get my nuts cut off.

Probably the most valuable skill I have, is ignoring things like this in the heat of the moment. That’s not when things affect me. What DOES affect me, is after the fact when my brain starts to blur the image and suddenly the emotions come.

This is a very serious problem, but I’m ultimately quite aware of it and what happens when I am triggered in this way. I have a very serious mental illness. It is not a joke. Some have said, that if I keep getting Baker Acted they’re just going to lock me away (this was not from a doctor or other “reliable” source, fyi). I doubt that would happen very much. However, the thought of becoming psychotically enraged actually really scares me. At that point, it’s not about words anymore, or losing friends, or losing the effort of the last 10 years, or even about getting fired from a job with a half-brained boss. No, I’m not talking about suicide. You just have to “know” to understand, which is half the problem with mental health because 1) there is no consistency in mental healthcare (although, moving every 6 months doesn’t help), and 2) therapy is more important than medication (of which I take a LOT).

Topic one: Does not concern mental illness

They told me if I took classes full time, it would be 2 years to earn my second bachelors before I signed on for graduate school. Not just that, but since we’re approaching finishing this project, I would also be first author on a few papers, and co-author on a few more. As always, hurry up and wait.

It has taken roughly 10 YEARS to get where we are now, working between jobs on this project in the Bio lab. 2 weeks of the 15 week semester are already gone. At this point, I’ve got to polish things up and start data collection since that is how the next module will be tested. As of right now, it should be collecting data. We’re going to [try to] set up Remote Desktop access to the boxes and (if I’m right), we’ll have to figure out how to unblock the firewall preventing me from accessing my PC from home. I dunno what’s so important about blocking RDP, but they’ve locked things down tighter than Fort Knox over here.

Topic two:

I think I can honestly say, if I am well informed enough about a subject (which means most of the time I am not), I could argue about a topic for the rest of my life and never stop going on about it. Of course, that said, part of arguing, or rather, debating, as it might more appropriately be called, requires a lot of effort and insight, but also, it requires a specific skill: LISTENING. I like arguing and debating, I do not like being put on the spot, (or) just having a bunch of opinions dropped on my head and then told to beat it. That’s barely even an attempt at an argument! Arguments (at least in theory) should be based on fact or objective information: high quality information at that (RE: statistics). In the real world, emotions are treated as facts too, so you have to be careful what and how you say things. Other than that, there’s no rules. You CAN say whatever you want, you just have to consider where and how you say it. Like, for example, yelling “FIRE!” in a theater, would generally kill you (not literally, but you’d wind up imprisoned). I think you can see my point.

I’m going to add a clause to this: Racism, hate speech, anything about intolerance just in general, drug talk, covid19 is fake, whatever. Don’t associate with it. Why? I have a relevant example: On my server I have 13 years worth of email, circa 2007ish, with automated backups daily. That’s why. You can bet there is a lot of information out there that gets captured every day and you wouldn’t. even. know it.

Anyway, that was a bit of a tangent. I speak in the context of civil discourse. Anything otherwise would just be verbal abuse, really. If that’s what you want, go listen to a (c)rap album. I think I spent 3 hours writing this post, so, goodnight.


My blog is broken.  WordPress updated and now my theme won’t load images properly.

Somehow it seems my previous post has some 500+ views…  Not sure why or how, but ok.

Now I forgot what I was going to write about…

Anyway, I added some new pictures to my Flickr account.  I built a “Windows Storage Space” with 3 8TB drives and 2 240GB SSDs.  I bought the SSDs on Amazon for $27 each, and not only that, but they were in my hands about 4 hours later.  In ReFS, SSDs are used as cache drives.  The 3 hard disks are setup in a parity array (a fancy name for RAID 5).  Now I have a safe space to pull all of this extra data out of DropBox.  There’s 550GB of photos there, which was a tremendous find.

Classes start one week from tomorrow.  I’ve decided to take 1 class and research again.  This time I’ll be repeating BIO1, which will be online, but this time it will have proctored exams using a webcam, and using a lockdown browser to prevent cheating.  Class will be live streamed, unlike last semester in which the content was pre-recorded.  My goal hasn’t changed, I will just go slower until I find a way to handle things better.

Oh, I remembered one post I have been meaning to put here.  I wonder if I can sticky posts, because this one needs to go at the top.

“Hey everybody, this guy’s a phony!”

Well, I thought I could pull off an A in Chem.  Instead, I got a C.  Thank you failed exam.  Everything right, screw up one thing, BAM, it’s all over.

Interestingly enough I got contacted by someone at UCF today, re: tutoring from the university.  I’m wondering if somehow my name got passed along.  Biology is very cumulative, so I can’t fail the final, but at the same time, how in the #*$^* am I supposed to solve so many math problems in 3 minutes and 50 seconds per question?  This is nuts.

In other news, my academic withdrawal got approved, so…

Another post coming shortly.

Water is always a liquid… H2O(l)

It’s Saturday now.  Fell asleep sometime yesterday, woke up at 9PM, thought it was Saturday morning.  After a while I caught on to the fact that the sun was setting, not rising.  I dunno why this keeps happening.

It’s literally 3 days left of the end of summer semester 2020.  I had my moments, but I persevered and made it through.  At least in academia they can’t fire you from taking time needed to recover from the effects of life on your sanity.  Of course, online classes will only last for so long and then it’ll be back to the salt mines.  So I’ll enjoy it while it lasts.

Yesterday, we had a quiz in chemistry, the second to last quiz.  Of the 6 quizzes, only 5 count towards the grade, as the lowest quiz grade gets dropped.  I did alright.  Not great, but alright.

Same thing with the tests; there are 5 tests and only 4 count towards the grade.  So I have a good safety net at this point with the potential to do better.  The final exam is coming soon, on July 31st.

I’ve calculated that I need at least an 82% on the final to get an A, and a 44% on the final to finish with a B.  It’s cake at this point.

I don’t like having a test on Monday.  It means I have to study over the weekend, and I’d rather do other things.  Plus, I feel the depression coming again, so I just can’t be bothered.  The semester just needs to be over, I need a break.

Edit: It’s now 7/22, and I sunk into a pretty bad hole.  Yesterday I had therapy and my therapist was really helpful.  There’s no point in going to the hospital for every little thing, it’s just expensive and unnecessary.  Part of learning about being mentally ill is learning how to cope with the mood swings and level yourself out.  So, I’m still not out of it, but today was a lot better than yesterday, by far, and next week is the last week of classes before a 3 week break until fall semester.  A very much needed break indeed.

Weighted Blanket

When I was in the Oviedo Medical Center Hospital being wheeled to my hospital room the day before my surgery, the nurse was walking me through the hallways and made a comment.  The color temperature of the fluorescent bulbs in their fixtures was sterile.  I looked paper white.  I haven’t been out of the house to get any sun in so long.

I live in a small house, in a room with two concrete block walls, one window with the blinds always closed, dirty laundry on the floor and a closet of the rest of my clothes.  Next to me is a radio and 2 alarm clocks, and at the foot of my bed is my tv stand with all the usual suspects, my air filter, and 5 storage boxes of vinyl.

I have everything I need in here.  A printer/fax/scanner, a computer, wifi access.  For luxury I have a huge 15″ subwoofer and Alexa so I can control my lights and other things automatically.  I can get into bed with the lights on, and I can just speak to Alexa to turn them off without having to move.  The internet of things is not the future, it’s the present.  Semiconductor processes get smaller and electronics become increasingly integrated everyday.

The iPhones and the Samsung Galaxy’s of the world… planned obsolescence or just slow, progress, regardless, technology is a fad that gets taken for granted, but, in the pursuit of the things we want in our lives, it will not go away, unlike Beanie Babies.

Having been put in the position to work on many extraordinary projects, I feel lucky, but underwhelmed.  Change is a constant.  It is time for change.  I look forward to the future.

The corporate world is not for me.  Like the movie “There Will Be Blood”, I will trace my way to success.  I’ve made many missteps, but that doesn’t make me a failure.  Never stop learning.  Always have an open mind.  Be curious, and ask questions no matter how dumb they may seem, because that is how you learn.  Seek information from the people who know better.  You won’t learn everything from one place or one person.  You will spend a lifetime learning, and you will only have more questions as time goes on.

Academia doesn’t stop after you get your degree.  There are people working tirelessly to understand the world and ourselves.

You are the light of the world, and the salt of the Earth.  Never forget that.

Everyday is Saturday

Finally switched PHP versions on the server, updated WordPress, removed unused themes as suggested, changed file permissions; everything is secure at least according to WordPress.

Had a taste of what my meds can do to me when they get messed up (again).  Only this time, I weathered the storm until bed time and then took ALL my meds at once (even the morning and evening dose of Geodon together).  I petty much slept through Monday but I was in 1000x better shape the morning after.  Really glad I didn’t drop classes.  All I’m taking this semester is Chem 1a and research.  So far, it’s looking like an easy semester.  I got my financial aid decision on Monday so I’m set to continue.

Edit (5/19/20): So I’ve let this draft sit for a bit.  I got even more financial aid, and I’m just dumb enough to take all of it.  Amazing how in 2 semesters I’ve already racked up as much debt as I had in 4 years of undergrad for my engineering degree.  That’s life I guess.  They wrap you in a blanket and strap you down so you can’t move and they roll you down a dark hall to your prison cell.

Chem 1a is easy.  Mostly unit conversions and density, states of matter, etc.  I guess I should read Chapter 1 of the book, but I already read it technically speaking.  I dunno.

Hopefully all this bankruptcy stuff is coming to an end…  It’s almost June.  My therapist got laid off.

I mean, seriously.  This is how the last 5 years of my career have gone.  Maybe I’m repeating myself.  After so much bad luck, we have to have a pandemic??  Go figure.  Life gets weirder every day.

Moving on towards the future…

Well, this will be my first post to my brand new blog site, K1VZX blog.  There are several tags above highlight what I’ll post here.  I will probably reorder these at some point.

Right now, I am currently a student.  My first semester back at the University of Central Florida was Spring 2020 (i.e., this semester).   However, when news of Covid-19 hit home at the same time as spring break came to an end, the lack of structure in my day meant I wasn’t accomplishing anything practical and so I wirthdrew from all of my classes because I was sinking into depression and had stopped taking my meds.  I was Baker Acted for the 2nd time and placed at a hospital all the way up in Gainesville where I stayed for 5 days.  I was placed back on my medication and slowly forced myself to eat again.

This blog will touch on mental illness, but will not focus on it.  I’d like to focus more on academia and my experiences as a second degree seeking student who is planning to go on to do a Master’s.  I already have a Bachelor’s and Master’s in Electrical Engineering.  Biology is on another level.  “Scholars of trivia” as John Nash puts it in the movie “A Beautiful Mind”.  I’m not in a rush to complete a Bachelor’s or a Master’s.  It’s about the journey, not the destination.  Then, we’ll re-evaluate and see where my career goes from there.

I’ve worked in a Biology lab for the past 10 years (off and on again, usually between jobs).  I enjoy research.  Pretty soon, my room will be jam packed with cables and wires, something like out of the movie Pi.

Just some quick news:  I will be adding a tutorial on my wiki to show how to setup a Git repository on a linux server (or any system that can run SSH really) and then use TortoiseGit to manage your project with the Git Repo on your server.  The process is confusing because there does not seem to be any simple guides on the process, yet the process really is very simple.  Also, there are some useful tools that integrate Git into LabVIEW, however I have not as of yet had any time to check them out.  Maybe over the weekend…  (These tools are not necessarily open source or free).