Weighted Blanket

When I was in the Oviedo Medical Center Hospital being wheeled to my hospital room the day before my surgery, the nurse was walking me through the hallways and made a comment.  The color temperature of the fluorescent bulbs in their fixtures was sterile.  I looked paper white.  I haven’t been out of the house to get any sun in so long.

I live in a small house, in a room with two concrete block walls, one window with the blinds always closed, dirty laundry on the floor and a closet of the rest of my clothes.  Next to me is a radio and 2 alarm clocks, and at the foot of my bed is my tv stand with all the usual suspects, my air filter, and 5 storage boxes of vinyl.

I have everything I need in here.  A printer/fax/scanner, a computer, wifi access.  For luxury I have a huge 15″ subwoofer and Alexa so I can control my lights and other things automatically.  I can get into bed with the lights on, and I can just speak to Alexa to turn them off without having to move.  The internet of things is not the future, it’s the present.  Semiconductor processes get smaller and electronics become increasingly integrated everyday.

The iPhones and the Samsung Galaxy’s of the world… planned obsolescence or just slow, progress, regardless, technology is a fad that gets taken for granted, but, in the pursuit of the things we want in our lives, it will not go away, unlike Beanie Babies.

Having been put in the position to work on many extraordinary projects, I feel lucky, but underwhelmed.  Change is a constant.  It is time for change.  I look forward to the future.

The corporate world is not for me.  Like the movie “There Will Be Blood”, I will trace my way to success.  I’ve made many missteps, but that doesn’t make me a failure.  Never stop learning.  Always have an open mind.  Be curious, and ask questions no matter how dumb they may seem, because that is how you learn.  Seek information from the people who know better.  You won’t learn everything from one place or one person.  You will spend a lifetime learning, and you will only have more questions as time goes on.

Academia doesn’t stop after you get your degree.  There are people working tirelessly to understand the world and ourselves.

You are the light of the world, and the salt of the Earth.  Never forget that.

#Lyrics: Paul Dalio – Starry Nights

There was a time, long ago,
when tides would rise and winds would blow,
when the stars pulse spirals of fire across the sky,
and all the lunatics saw and all the lunatics knew,
that the two eyes of God had aligned in the sky,
to give us a glimpse into the divine,
and though the sane may deny we gaze through God’s eyes,
and claim it was just some misfiring synapses flashing through a crack in our minds,
we all knew it was true,
we all knew we shared a view into something just too beautiful to prove,
and they can’t take away from me and you.

Even when the seasons change,
summer exceeds its stay,
the sun creeps away,
and fall shadows grab hold of your brain,
and you can feel your will within each withering leaf clinging to the trees of the entire forest surrounding you,
slipping as they fall down on you,
and then when winter rolls around,
your soul retreats deep beneath the frozen ground,
and its calling your body down,
and it feels like your ashes are fighting gravity,
even then, spring will come again, and invite you to rise too high,
and it’s up for you to decide if you’ll repeat those seasonal tides that will lay waste to your lives,
but if you choose to live, you may look out at the sky and reminisce about those times, when the sun and the moon would align,
and each would find its other eye so that God could cry about what was lost and why,
but I tell you not to miss those times, for the sun still shines and the moon will still rise,
and with just enough light from the far off shine of the sun across the sky it will keep that divine sight forever alive in your eyes.



From the movie and the original soundtrack to the movie Touched With FireI do not own the copyright to these lyrics, they are copyrighted to their respective owners.

06:35 < intp> let me think

IRC has played a major role in my life over the past…what…16 years now?  People have come and gone, but at the core of it all, there are a select few who’ve been around since the early days (including myself, relatively speaking).  I was different back then, in a lot of ways.

Here is a photo album put together by one of the network owners: https://www.flickr.com/photos/owlgames/sets/72157635869807546/ Most of the pictures in the album now consist of people who are long gone and probably never to return because they have moved on in life.  I, on the other hand, am going in a giant circle.  Back to square one.  It’s not been a waste, but it’s been a disappointment.  People need to learn compassion.

Anyway, it’s not just that #intp and the ECNet network attracts a wide variety of diverse people, but it has a very distinct culture to it that’s formed over such a long time.  In recent months, it’s gotten even stranger.  I don’t mind; in fact I fit right in, with the exception of one of the IRCops who (now) claims he has schizophrenia.  I thought he was bipolar, but I guess he changed his mind because he’s too much of an idiot to see a real psychiatrist, so he goes to see a quack instead.


Well, …

I got my surprise.  Never saw it coming.  No, it wasn’t that upgrading from Stretch to Buster broke Lighttpd and ate my Let’s encrypt certificates.  Right now it’s just not public information.  We’ll see how far this goes.  I don’t feel very confident about that, but stranger things have happened.  (No, it’s not a new job.)

It’s quiz/exam week in Chemistry, I finished the homework although I have some questions for tutoring sessions later on.  Slept the entire weekend.  Not sure what that means.  This is a new thing for me since the Prozac.  Psychiatrist just kind of shrugged it off.  Missed 1 question out of 25 questions on the practice exam… That’s damn impressive, IMO.  This professor is so much better than the professor I had in Spring.  I wouldn’t say it’s because he’s easier… it’s too early to tell.  I think it’s just that the class is more organized and requires you to be proactive in your learning.  The lecture videos are very short, so you have to read the book and do the problems.  I can definitely tell the other students struggle.

The price I pay for a life in academia, my last bastion of hope until I get SSDI.  Fortunately, in grad school I’ll be eligible for TA-ships and such, so it won’t always be this way.

“Add title” (you tell me)

I don’t know what it is.  I have a tattoo of a cross on my left arm.  Part of the reason I got it was because, like so many other things, keeping track of my necklaces in the myriad of moving boxes was impossible.  A tattoo is forever; permanently marked into your skin.  I got my tattoo for me, not because of you or to show off.  You can believe whatever you want, I, on the other hand, am a confirmed Catholic.  I am far from perfect.  I know God is in my life, because I am lucky to be alive.  I don’t know why, I just am.  I remember bits and pieces of being in the hospital, including briefly waking up in the ICU to be told “You are very sick.”  The doctors thought I had had a stroke.

For some reason today was different.  I was depressed, as seems to be the case now for the past few weekends, but it didn’t feel like depression.  It just felt like I needed to be off and let my mind wander.  Unfortunately lying in bed also means not eating, missing my medicine, and generally neglecting myself.  There comes a point when, you’ve slept so much, you can’t sleep any more.  It’s not this refreshing, relaxed state either.  At least for me, it feels like I’m drunk and being shaken up and ready to faint at any moment.

Actually, what I want to write here now is completely different from what I would’ve written, because now I have something else to say.  You could argue “It’s just coincidence!” and maybe you’d be right.  However all this time spent processing these emotions and winding up where I am now puts a total new spin on things.

Well, this post has been in draft long enough.  It’s time to publish it and start fresh.