There’s this new phenomena going on in my life. I have noticed, I’m not stupid. I sit here and wonder. Just watched the Bourne Trilogy. Totally awesome, as always. Epic car chases one after another.

This post is not about car chases. I have one window in my room. For about a month now, it has been the source of my strongest hallucinations. At least I think so. I don’t know where this stuff comes from. About a week ago, I called the cops because I thought the neighbors made a death threat. Cops came out, investigated; everyone next door was asleep, so that was that. It is that convincing, that even when you test reality for legitimate other reasons (or in other words, you know for a fact just how loud it has to be to hear what is going on through the window) that you are hallucinating and having paranoid delusions. Houses in Florida are made of “concrete masonry units” (which is the technical and politically correct term for a CINDER BLOCK *ahem*), so even the bass from my subwoofer won’t go through the wall. It’s pretty nice. Another reason to stay in Florida. Sound proofed houses. The weak spot is the window. On introspection, there are several factors that led to this psychosis, including an error that wasn’t caught by my pharmacy.

Anyway, that’s a tangent (as usual). It seems that, somehow, women, who are somewhere between 1.5-2x my age are attracted to me for whatever reason I cannot figure out. I’m not exactly na├»ve despite the fact I’ve only ever had 1 long distance relationship. This only seems to have started after 1 particular conversation at church with a guy who also had a mental illness. As large as that church is, voices travel and other people can listen in on your conversation. The choir has gotten particularly nasty, at least last time I was there. It’s good that the church has a new clergy member because Father doesn’t seem to be aware of certain things, and these things might need to be delegated out to certain people so they can be monitored more closely. Like the snake on the choir stage. Hint hint.

I can do without sympathy. I don’t need sex. I just want to be loved like anyone else. God loves all of us, even if we don’t accept him.

I don’t know why I’m still alive after what happened 5 years ago, but God has something more for me. Life, to me, is about the journey, not the destination. However, from this point forward I will place certain limits on myself. Could it be better? Of course, but I have to make due with what I have, learn from my mistakes and move on. We all do. The time will come, but that time is not now.

EDIT: After thinking this through for nearly an hour, I will say the following: If you think the last paragraph of this post has to do with cheating (which seems to be a common reaction), it really just goes to show how selfish you are. There seems to be this dividing line between philosophies here. An altruistic outlook versus a more selfish one. The closer you get to the millennial generation, the less altruism you see in personality traits. At least that’s my (cynical) opinion. This is a bit “sideways” though, for lack of a better term. Let’s put it this way:

I ain’t cheatin’ on nobody. Never have, never will.

Now that that is settled, let’s explain your selfish point of view. Selfishness is inherently neither good or bad. It is necessary for self preservation (at the very core of which is survival: food, shelter, water, and clothes). In the context of a relationship it provides stability, as it rightfully should. If your reaction is a selfish one, you are missing an opportunity to be supportive of those around you who don’t have something that they need or want. Now, whether you choose to help someone or not is of course your choice. Given the choice between the two reactions, which one do you think would look better in the eyes of God? Or if you don’t want to put it that way, which way would be beneficial to those who are your neighbors? Which choice would make you feel happier? Helping someone with a flat tire, or just driving by knowing that someone else will come along?

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