I can’t sleep

My routine is off now, thanks to some interruptions.. Just a bunch of random comments on my mind.

  1. I like writing pissed off emails to people. The problem is I don’t have any authority to implement change from those emails because the people who are responsible for all of this are usually my superiors, just don’t give a fuck, are rude, or don’t listen (or some combination of all of these things). Eventually I will apologize because I usually go waaay overboard to ask for something simple; in the end I realize this. A career is about learning and growing, at least that’s my view, so progress has to be a bit relaxed. It’s not simply because engineers are lazy, we just have to work with a lot of details in a very complicated system, and it requires time to go over everything and make sure we don’t fuck up (because that would cost even more time and money to correct).
  2. My mentor tells me there are a lot of things in this blog that I should not post in public. There is not a single comment from anyone on the blog, so that comment from my mentor (which probably shouldn’t be discussed here) is the only feedback I’ve gotten so far. I’ve had to remove a few things from my website for purposes of intellectual property integrity, but if you know where to look you can still find it anyway. I can only remove it superficially, so any consequences of having posted those things is already done.
  3. It’s occured to me that some things that happened a while back were, in fact, quite serious hallucinations (or at least so it would seem). This is nothing new. What is new, is that I’ve never had visual hallucinations of two people talking to each other that I could see AND hear (auditory AND visual hallucinations).

On another note, my therapist says this is the most stable she’s ever seen me. I was experimenting with my drugs and a certain sequence of events simultaneous caused a chain reaction which really backfired on me. Nobody can force you to take meds even during a Baker Act, but it is unwise to not cooperate. So, I was just honest with my doctor and told him what and why I was doing it. That said, I am not a medical doctor, so I have no idea how this combination of drugs was derived to treat my condition. I understand the withdrawal and how bad it can get, and some of the effects of the individual medications. After all of this though, I’ve basically reached the conclusion that my drugs are good and functioning properly and as expected. This is stuff they don’t teach you during a Baker Act or in any mental clinic. As they say, therapy is more important than the medication. Not only have I found a good combination of medications, but I also know what to look for out of a therapist. If you aren’t proactive in your health, you will get nowhere; ask questions and don’t be afraid to fire a bad doctor who doesn’t listen or care.

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