I had a dream last night that I got approved for disability. The DE said they would make the decision some time in May, but with the way things are going, I’m not confident that will happen. It’s been 6 months now since I’ve applied, and I applied with the help of an attorney. My psychiatrist however, is overprotective. Now that I’ve found a movement disorder specialist, I’m changing psychiatrists. I have a therapist, and where I have therapy also does psychiatry, so it will be better to have both at the same location because the therapist and psychiatrist can share notes and communicate. It’s a government run mental clinic, so when I lose my insurance I’ll still be able to continue treatment. Thing is, my COBRA is $700 a month, and disability will probably be barely twice that. I’ve been on COBRA so long now that it will run out soon. Few more months. Then I have to figure out what’s next.
Taking classes and volunteering at church put me in a situation where, from what I have read, means that I could be gainfully employed, perhaps just not as an engineer and/or making as much money as I was before. Whatever the case, I’m (mostly) happy right now, but I am seriously reconsidering where I want this to go. I feel like this is a major life decision. I suspect however, that I have time to make this decision after I get my first disability determination. Maybe I should call my lawyer tomorrow. Regardless, I feel like this is a losing battle.
I am trying, legitimately. I just don’t know if I’m going to shoot myself in the foot, if I haven’t already. I’ve tried for the last 5, maybe 6 years only to wind up nowhere. A beautiful collection of lies and fake friends, or worse, people who don’t even try to be friends and choke on a pea the very first day you meet them at lunch.
Then comes along a world pandemic… I don’t even need a career for my life to be so bizarre, or to keep myself busy.
I need a surprise, something unexpected, something new. You can’t live in the fear of something that might happen to you.