I need to take a break. I’ve been working for the past several hours now on some software, and I’ve missed some changes that I was unaware of because of other changes that I made to my code. It’ll be fine in the end, but the bug will mean that things that were tested will have to be retested again.
In any case, …
SZA is an acronym which means schizoaffective disorder.
Now, you would think being on 280mg of Geodon would be enough medication to knock out an elephant, but not quite.
Here’s how the hallucinations work: Something in the environment triggers them (at least for me). The normal run of things is that there are 2 hallucinations talking to each other. In Maryland, when I was up all night, it was (at first) a young male and female who couldn’t sleep because of the air matters creaking on the floor. I actually went so far as to correlate what had happened that night with someone I saw the next day who “fit the description” so to speak. The hallucinations wanted sex but didn’t want me to listen, so I put on headphones and music. Next thing you know, I’m DJing for them as if they could hear my headphones through the floor.
Here’s the thing though: With SZA, the hallucinations come attached with the delusions and paranoia. This means two things: 1) It means the triggers from the environment around you can cause hallucinations, which then result in changes of mood, anxiety or paranoia (or 2 or even all 3). 2) Now it works the other way around. Now the triggers come from you inside your own head. What you think is enough to change your mood, anxiety levels, or paranoia.
Now, given those two things, what do you think happens? We’ll call the first situation Trigger A, and the second situation Trigger B. There’s again, multiple scenarios: 1) Trigger A sets you off, then, being a “high-functioning” type, I like to analyze things in my head, which results in Trigger B. Trigger B can be avoided through various techniques, just forgetting things is the usual way, or making up or apologizing to people I’ve offended, however you want to put it.
However, there’s that second scenario: 2) In this case, the triggers come from inside you in the first place. You react to it; anger, paranoia, stress, lack of sleep which just make things worse, anxiety, whatever. Then, eventually you blow up. This is turn causes Trigger A because now your problems have been externalized in a way they should not have. It also results in more Trigger B, because of the stress of Trigger A, and down the rabbit hole you go.
It’s no joke being bipolar, either. One minute you can be totally pissed off, the next, laughing at whatever, or at least that’s what happens when off meds. Off meds, I can literally control how I feel just by thinking things.
So, life goes on.