Hallucinations and SZA

I need to take a break. I’ve been working for the past several hours now on some software, and I’ve missed some changes that I was unaware of because of other changes that I made to my code. It’ll be fine in the end, but the bug will mean that things that were tested will have to be retested again.

In any case, …

SZA is an acronym which means schizoaffective disorder.

Now, you would think being on 280mg of Geodon would be enough medication to knock out an elephant, but not quite.

Here’s how the hallucinations work: Something in the environment triggers them (at least for me). The normal run of things is that there are 2 hallucinations talking to each other. In Maryland, when I was up all night, it was (at first) a young male and female who couldn’t sleep because of the air matters creaking on the floor. I actually went so far as to correlate what had happened that night with someone I saw the next day who “fit the description” so to speak. The hallucinations wanted sex but didn’t want me to listen, so I put on headphones and music. Next thing you know, I’m DJing for them as if they could hear my headphones through the floor.

Here’s the thing though: With SZA, the hallucinations come attached with the delusions and paranoia. This means two things: 1) It means the triggers from the environment around you can cause hallucinations, which then result in changes of mood, anxiety or paranoia (or 2 or even all 3). 2) Now it works the other way around. Now the triggers come from you inside your own head. What you think is enough to change your mood, anxiety levels, or paranoia.

Now, given those two things, what do you think happens? We’ll call the first situation Trigger A, and the second situation Trigger B. There’s again, multiple scenarios: 1) Trigger A sets you off, then, being a “high-functioning” type, I like to analyze things in my head, which results in Trigger B. Trigger B can be avoided through various techniques, just forgetting things is the usual way, or making up or apologizing to people I’ve offended, however you want to put it.

However, there’s that second scenario: 2) In this case, the triggers come from inside you in the first place. You react to it; anger, paranoia, stress, lack of sleep which just make things worse, anxiety, whatever. Then, eventually you blow up. This is turn causes Trigger A because now your problems have been externalized in a way they should not have. It also results in more Trigger B, because of the stress of Trigger A, and down the rabbit hole you go.

It’s no joke being bipolar, either. One minute you can be totally pissed off, the next, laughing at whatever, or at least that’s what happens when off meds. Off meds, I can literally control how I feel just by thinking things.

So, life goes on.

RX Vega 64, Ryzen 9 3900x, Geodon oh my.

Well, I can’t help myself. I bought a 3rd RX Vega 64 and I also bought a 1200watt Corsair PSU. I might’ve mentioned this in another post. The 850 watt PSU was fine even for two 64’s in Crossfire mode. I’m not really a gamer though, although I just might play some games during winter break.

I’ve decided to buy another mobo with 3 x16 slots so I can take the 3rd RX Vega out of my old system and put all 3 in one system. Now, you can’t crossfire 3 GPUs, only 2, but I run Folding@Home for COVID19. Crossfire doesn’t help you when doing computational tasks on the GPU. Maybe it’s different for nVidia cards, but for these cards, nope. These cards have a max power rating of 295 watts each according to the AMD website, which makes sense because a) they have 2 PCIe power connectors per card, and b) they’re fucking space heaters. I’ve been letting F@H run all day, but the AC is on high mode and hasn’t shut off, and it wasn’t even that hot here today. So, I run F@H sporadically because it uses a lot of power. These are blower style, reference cards so there’s nothing special about them. They either run HOT and quiet or you can tweak the fan settings and they run (a few degrees) cooler and LOUD. This 3rd card that I have is a bit odd; it runs hotter than the other two. Doesn’t seem to affect anything, but it’s noticeable. At first, I thought it was just because the card was the top card, and it was pulling warm air in from the second card under it, but that wasn’t the case after I swapped cards around. Checked the fans and heatsink for dust and everything was fine and clean. Thinking maybe I’ll redo the thermal paste when I have a chance. Of course, it might be that F@H is not the best stability/heat test because the workload varies from task to task. Prime95 would give more control.

For the last piece of this never-ending puzzle, I saw my psychiatrist about two weeks ago. My meds are now on uber-mega-wtf status. I went from taking 40 mg of Geodon in the morning to taking 160mg. At night I went from 80 mg to 120 mg. That’s 280mg of Geodon a day. Doc also upped my Prozac to 60mg in the morning. I don’t understand why the sudden increase in meds, so I actually called my psychiatrist’s office to verify and confirmed my dose. I even checked with the pharmacist and they contacted my psychiatrist as well. I don’t know what game this is, but hopefully I won’t turn into a zombie. I can literally fall asleep standing up on this stuff.

Classes next semester will continue to be remote, including the lab (yay).

What it’s like to have schizoaffective disorder

Smartcat, the company that designed the theme “Athena Pro” seems to have died, yet they left everything up so it’s a cash cow. It’s a cash cow at this point. Maybe when they’re motivated they’ll respond to my ticket to fix the image loading problem, but in the meantime I’m just going to switch themes. The last ticket hadn’t been responded to after a month, so go figure.

Anyway, what was the point of this post… Stigma, I suppose. When I explain schizoaffective disorder to people, they’re usually confused, but if you say it’s “basically schizophrenia AND bipolar” (or depression), they usually get it, or at least, they think they get it. If you do a google search for any mental illness, you’ll come up with a lot of things, and there is truth to it. However, for every person the experience of mental illness is different. However, more to the point is that there are symptoms which are not included on the sites that describe what these illnesses are about. This is a very strong reason for an argument against self-diagnosis. You simply cannot diagnose yourself; seek the help of trusted psychiatrist. Just as illnesses are different, every psychiatrist is different and likely has an interest or a specialty in a certain area. You should make note of this, because it can make the difference between having your life back or living in misery.

I’ve often heard that mental healthcare in the state of Florida is some of the worst in the US. However, I’m not sure I agree with this. The concept of the Baker Act is great. However, it is abused, there is no doubt. Essentially when you are Baker Acted, you are stripped of your rights as a citizen with the exception of a few new rights: among the most important right is probably the right to deny treatment. That said, if you do deny treatment, there are likely going to be consequences. At a minimum, a Baker Act lasts 3 days, however your psychiatrist can renew the Baker Act if he or she should so choose. It’s similar to dealing with the police: keep your mouth shut, and cooperate.

Schizoaffective disorder can be described as schizophrenia and bipolar (or depression), however it is actually not the same. While it is possible to have both schizophrenia and bipolar, this is not the same as schizoaffective disorder. In essence, it boils down the pattern of psychosis and how it correlates to the mood disorder.

In my case, schizoaffective disorder means hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, mania/depression. I have auditory, visual, and olfactory hallucinations (olfactory hallucinations are basically smelling things that aren’t there). Yes, I have caught myself talking to hallucinations before, but that is rare.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned meds before, but I am extremely sensitive to my meds. If I miss a dose, I feel it. If I miss more than 1 dose, it’s a spiral down the rabbit hole. The week before last I went off my meds for about 4 days or so. Eventually I just forced myself to take them. At that point, I was honestly concerned I needed to go to the hospital to be titrated, but I just did it myself and now I’m fine. The medicines operate best when they are maintained steady state over a long period of time, which has never been the case for me. I do like the Geodon though. I take Prozac for depression. Like I said, long term equilibrium is key, and if you’re going on a med for the first time, it can take a while for the medication to start functioning. Took about 3 weeks for me, and I was in the hospital when it kicked in and I just went haywire bouncing off the walls.

My sister was bragging she takes 15 pills a day. Well, currently my meds are 8 pills in the morning and 9 pills at night, so 17 pills a day. HAH!

I also have epilepsy, so when I go off my meds, it really gets me. Just lying in bed having seizure after seizure is enough to want to finish yourself, THEN you have a mental illness.

I’m hoping I will be a candidate for a deep brain stimulator (DBS). It’ll kill two birds with one stone.

Well anyway. This post barely gets into any real detail about anything, so look for future posts that do. There’s just way too much to discuss and I’m running low on motivation right now to write anymore.

“I didn’t know…

…the sponge was supposed to be wet” -Percy, The Green Mile.

Ignorance doesn’t excuse you from the law, so why should it justify stupidity and immature behavior? It doesn’t, BTW.

I’m only about half-way through the movie and I hope Percy gets fired. I’ve seen this movie before, but it’s been a long time, so I don’t remember how it ends. Some movies are just disgusting.

Gmail

Well, I finally bit the bullet. I’m no longer running a mail server of my own. I am paying for a business class Google Suite account which includes Gmail. I love Google Calendar and the associated Tasks widget, so it’s worth it. The spam fighting abilities of Gmail are tremendous and it’s worth paying for that alone, especially when I just don’t have the time to turn a mail server into a science experiment to see what is and what is not working.

Postfix I just might shutdown permanently and use Gmail for outbound mail. Dovecot, on the other hand, I might leave up, because I have 13 years of email stored on that server. If there’s a way to port it to Gmail, I guess that could work, but then the question becomes: how do I get my mail back off of Gmail when I decide to do something else.

Blah

Well, I broke my blog again. No big deal to fix, but not right now. I accidentally deleted the backup I made, but the backup I made was not of the wordpress folder but rather mediawiki, so I’m rather retarded. Also, there’s no daily (or even weekly) backup of the HTML folder, so that should get fixed. Also, yes, I paid for the “Pro” version of the theme, well, it seems the developer has gone for a very long hike and fallen off the edge of planet Earth, so…

But anyway… I’ve become addicted to Alexa. I bought an Echo dot, an Echo Show (which I gave to Mike), and an Echo Studio. The Echo Studio actually has a mini TOSLINK in, so I can get a coaxial to optical converter and plug it into my TV. Get this: Amazon even makes an Echo Sub, haha. What would be great, is a surround sound version of this. Mount two echo dots on the wall behind me, two echo studios in front, and an echo plus for the center speaker. The surround processor would be either of the echo studios. Nifty.

Movie Quotes

This, I think, will be a “living document” with which I will just add quotes to as I randomly think of them.

“And what about you, young man? Who are you supposed to be?” “I’m Harvey Pekar!” All the other kids: “Pecker” -American Splendor

“Why does everyone have to be so stupid!?” -Harvey Pekar, American Splendor

“What’s your vector, Victor?” -Airplane

“If we don’t ever make time, how can we ever take time?” – The Merovingian, The Matrix Reloaded

“Oh, it’s alright, I laugh myself sometimes.” -Sheriff Ed Tom Bell