I just ate a slice of pumpkin pie and it was delish.

I decided to write about a comment I made earlier about the neighbor. I had just arrived at mom’s house and of course the neighbor has a new car to play with. Not sure what he was doing, but that’s not the point. He previously had a Mercedes and souped it up. He must be doing some sort of chip tuning on these cars to mess with the timing and air/fuel mixtures, etc.

Anyway, I just couldn’t hold back. We were nearly inside and I couldn’t help but call the guy an idiot. Twice. I mean honestly. He responded “Thank you!” so I know he heard. If you think putting straight pipes and muffler/catalytic converter deletes on your car is cool, then I just don’t get it. I’m sure that any mechanical engineer would tell you that when you when push the engine beyond factory specs, you start to put extra stress on the drive train, the engine itself, the chassis of the car, not to mention you draw the attention of cops who are more than happy to take all that extra cash you have lying around to buy these cars and flip them.

Now, don’t get me wrong, when I had a BMW, I drove it like it was stolen. However, the N54 engine in the 2008 135i was severely detuned. You could get 100 more HP out of it with nothing more than a chip tune. What did I just say about the stress on the engine and drive train?

One point worth mentioning is that a catalytic converter is extremely important in maintaining low emissions, so a car with no cat can really only be driven in a state that doesn’t do emissions testing (such as Florida), so that limits your market when you flip the car. Even WITH the cat, if you’re messing with timing and fuel ratios, you’re going to screw up emissions anyway. Let’s not forget that a car without a cat is pushing the edge of street legal.


This blog, like my drugs lately, are a source of experimentation. Obviously with respect to the blog, I’ve stuck to more personal topics. I enjoy writing this stuff. I’d write a lot more in my blog if it were more convenient to do so, but then again it would probably just come off as a lot of rambling. I can honestly say I have not gone back and read anything I’ve posted here. I just have no real desire to.

I do know, within a certain degree of measure, that people do read this blog. If I cared, I could play around and parse logs or mess around with Google Analytics, but I don’t want to.

I think I need to re-write the sticky post about words, although I haven’t read it to be sure of what it says. However, to summarize what I might say in a new post, this blog has had real effects on people in both positive and negative ways. Here’s an argument for myself: If you don’t care for yourself, how are you supposed to care for anyone else? That, though, is a huge can of worms.

It comes down to accountability; that’s what I see. My parents weren’t very good at that, especially as I got older, and when they did try to hold me accountable for things, at least in my opinion, they did it in the wrong way.

You have to be willing to grow, regardless of where you are in life or you will never.get.anywhere. It’s amazing to me that while there are a few new faces around, there are also a lot of familiar ones, and some of these people have maintained the same disposition for so long it makes you wonder if they have ever really listened to a homily. You can go to church, but if you don’t understand what and why, you may as well not go. Tattoos are great, doesn’t mean anything. Necklaces, suits and ties, smiles, superficial. Faith is within and it has nothing to do with what religion you choose.

So let’s see, honesty, accountability, and I am a confirmed catholic. We’re going somewhere with this. I like it.


I just heard a song that I haven’t heard in literally forever. It’s a good thing I have bullet proof headphones or they’d be on fire. My ears are so used to the extreme loudness that I hear buzzing basically all the time. I finally reached critical volume on the subwoofer. It’s weird: Everywhere else in my room, it’s loud, but right where I sit, right in front of the window, there’s a huge null. The low-end subs don’t have any phase adjustment really (just a 0-180 switch), which effectively does nothing. On the other hand, the subwoofer provides what headphones don’t, and that is the feeling of the bass, so, the headphones are like toys, even though the sub cost less than the headphones. The smell of burning voice coil is never unique. Copper and lacquer is pretty much universal. What’s interesting about sound is that the perception of loudness has to do with distortion and the de-sensitization of the ears by louder sounds to less loud sounds. This isn’t unique to human hearing either, RADAR, radio, SONAR, optics, whatever. It all works the same way essentially. They’re all analogous to each other.

I’m missing my own point as usual.

People say not to have an attitude about things. Well, everyone has an attitude about things, it’s just, some have a nice attitude about it. I’d probably guess I come off as cold and distant, and not so nice. My mentor suggests I should be nice, but I also live with someone who has spent his life being nice and has to deal with the reality of his choices because society itself ultimately DOESN’T reward being nice. So does God? (I had to throw that in there).

Wow, I am ALL over the place.

It’s been a ridiculous week. Starting last Thursday night, I couldn’t get any sleep. Then on Friday, I found out what could’ve potentially been a reason: neurotoxic poisoning from Vitamin B complex. My mentor suggested this. I have symptoms of carpal tunnel just like he did. It’s also could be nerve degradation from sitting in front of a computer for the last 9 months. Some people are saying COVID is close to over, but it’s really not, and while drugs and vaccines are out for it, they haven’t been mass accepted yet.

So anyway, uhhhh….

Don’t do drugs kids.

I have an exam on Friday, and two chapters of homework due tomorrow at midnight, and I guess I’ll just play tag with this. My adrenaline rush from the music is long gone. Unfortunately, though, the only way my sleep will get fixed is if I stay up all night. I’m nocturnal from all of this and the situation is dire. I don’t have to take the exam, I can do fine without it, but I don’t see the logic in at least trying to fix things which will also means, I should be able to do well on the exam, especially in lieu of recent discoveries which I’ll talk about later.

Enough procrastination, it’s gonna be a long day.

Edit: Okay, in my head I’m back to a point I made earlier. It was the stuff about attitude. Now, getting back to that. I’m just left wondering. To be specific, rather than general, it’s the disability paperwork that I’m filing, and specifically the “REMARKS” section. I’m going to provide remarks, but I need to leave a personal message with it, rather than just “more facts” about my “situation” and “why I think I deserve my SSDI”, etc. I’m probably going to guess that if I even slip one word, they’d just ignore the whole thing and deny it, so caution is advised, but I want to know: how much can I get away with and make a point to someone that I am not happy, communicate that I don’t think you care or understand (or really want to), and that SSDI is my right just as much as anyone else’s, especially considering how much I have paid into SS taxes over the last 10ish years. Maybe I should just say EXACTLY that. I value honesty, so shovel it out. I can dig it. You won’t hurt my feelings.

This reminds me of a bar fight I saw in Auburn. I was getting pissed off at the fact, that, after these two dudes were told to leave (now keep in mind, everything Auburn is a family establishment, it’s really like that), one dude tried to body slam the other dude through the window. With some beer in me, and not realizing they were MMA fighters, and ignoring the fact that they were huge, I just went up to the window and started flicking ’em off. This guy was laser focused though, I meant nothing to him. They probably just wound up going down the street like a dust cloud in Loony Tunes. I learned a few things that night. Auburn, New York was great, but, I didn’t have a future there.

Okay, I’m done now.

Pseudodementia. Word of the day.

I don’t really have any topic or plan to write anything here. I’d like to start doing music reviews regularly. Other than that, one of my hallucinations is very simple: my name. My name, in some random voice coming from some random place. My hallucinations don’t usually come from objects like radios or tvs. Lately however, I’m ready to just fill in my window with bricks.

Sometimes though, it’s just totally obvious your hallucinating. Earlier today I heard a voice call my name out about a dozen times really fast and then just stop. The hallucinations are almost always about me. That’s a dead giveaway most of the time. Putting on headphones can sometimes drown out hallucinations, but some of the loudest and most rude hallucinations I’ve ever had were with headphones on rather than off. I’ve also never had problems waking up because of hallucinations yelling or talking or whatever (yes, this is a thing).

So, anyway. Next music review will be a good one: Pachanga Boys – Time. Trance, trance, trance.

Black out!

In my life so far, other than anesthetic caused loss of consciousness, I’ve blacked out from alcohol once or twice, and from seizures. That’s pretty much normal. There is one exception to this: this happened a long time ago, a few years after I was confirmed. I was a volunteer for the confirmation retreat team as a team leader. Of course, I’m pretty introverted, so I’m not sure how good my presence is, but I enjoyed being there and it gave me a perspective that I otherwise wouldn’t have had.

One thing the confirmation retreat does is improv comedy, take for example, “Whose line is it anyway?” style humor. I honestly didn’t have a huge role in the skit we did, but I blacked out. It could’ve been the epilepsy, it could’ve been just being nervous, but I did. Regardless, it was never my intention to be offensive, and people just don’t seem to realize that. Couple that with a variety of circumstances and confusion, and the fact that I look 10 years younger than I actually am, and you get a real mess in church.

My intent was never to appear to be doing anything to another persons genitals (even if I had long hair).

Let’s set the record straight on this. It happened. Why? I don’t know. Stranger things have happened. I’m still alive for stranger things to happen yet.

You may say that “this won’t happen in my house”, but isn’t that passing judgement on the actions of another? If you want to play that game, don’t have a conversation about it in church, or I’ll mute you and/or turn off your monitor. After all, the sound man giveth and can taketh away. Who is really in control of the choir?

Interesting twists and turns in the logic here, but these aren’t new ideas in my head, nor are they necessarily my ideas. So remember that, because unless you’re paying a recording engineer in a studio, the volunteer at the soundboard does not have to turn on your mic and/or monitor 🙂 Remember that. There are 3 people that must remain miced at all times: Father J, Father G, and Deacon J. Everything else is a luxury. I realize this is hypocritical, but it’s an eye for an eye these days.

Don’t piss off the soundman.


Doctor said to take no more than 3 tablets of klonopin a day which amounts to 1.5mg total. Klonopin is dangerously addictive in that if you are addicted, you don’t know it. Thing is, I think its action works quite well on my seizures so I’m hesitant to stop, although I don’t get the impression he’s trying to ween me off of it, or at least if he is, he’s going very slow. As far as my Artane goes, that one I know he’s trying to ween me off of. Between both, I’ve basically just stopped taking them completely but now I’m paying the price.

My mood is fluctuating oddly today. Earlier I felt bored after my test. The SI leader (tutor) said “work towards a positive goal” but my goal is to work towards more work. I had this same problem after I graduated with my Master’s degree and moved on from academia. It’s like…now what? I had a 9 to 5 job, I paid off my student loans in 6 months, and I bought a BMW. Buying a house would’ve come next, but then I got sick instead. Somehow, money or not, life keeps going.

Let’s write a second, more productive post about something that is a misconception that seems to still be a misconception even 10-12 years later.


You’d think I were drunk the last few posts I made in here. Oh well.

Knowing the difference

In my particular case, delusions and hallucinations blend into reality. Hallucinations are so vivid and realistic they sound like real people. As a result, inside my own head, I can interject pieces of conversation from another person that they never actually said. I can imagine someone cursing or yelling at me while looking right at me, when in fact they are walking right past me and not even paying attention to me.

Anyway, the point I’m getting at, is that, there is more going on here than just hallucinations and delusions. Some of it is real. That’s where you have to be careful.

Words are easy to throw around sometimes. All you would need to do is say the phrase and next thing you know, the cops are on their way. They know this, so they go inside, turn off all the lights and act like they’re asleep. Is this a possible scenario? Yes, and I think that’s exactly what happened.

Trailer trash, redneck neighbors. It’s really not that hard to figure this stuff out.


There’s this new phenomena going on in my life. I have noticed, I’m not stupid. I sit here and wonder. Just watched the Bourne Trilogy. Totally awesome, as always. Epic car chases one after another.

This post is not about car chases. I have one window in my room. For about a month now, it has been the source of my strongest hallucinations. At least I think so. I don’t know where this stuff comes from. About a week ago, I called the cops because I thought the neighbors made a death threat. Cops came out, investigated; everyone next door was asleep, so that was that. It is that convincing, that even when you test reality for legitimate other reasons (or in other words, you know for a fact just how loud it has to be to hear what is going on through the window) that you are hallucinating and having paranoid delusions. Houses in Florida are made of “concrete masonry units” (which is the technical and politically correct term for a CINDER BLOCK *ahem*), so even the bass from my subwoofer won’t go through the wall. It’s pretty nice. Another reason to stay in Florida. Sound proofed houses. The weak spot is the window. On introspection, there are several factors that led to this psychosis, including an error that wasn’t caught by my pharmacy.

Anyway, that’s a tangent (as usual). It seems that, somehow, women, who are somewhere between 1.5-2x my age are attracted to me for whatever reason I cannot figure out. I’m not exactly naïve despite the fact I’ve only ever had 1 long distance relationship. This only seems to have started after 1 particular conversation at church with a guy who also had a mental illness. As large as that church is, voices travel and other people can listen in on your conversation. The choir has gotten particularly nasty, at least last time I was there. It’s good that the church has a new clergy member because Father doesn’t seem to be aware of certain things, and these things might need to be delegated out to certain people so they can be monitored more closely. Like the snake on the choir stage. Hint hint.

I can do without sympathy. I don’t need sex. I just want to be loved like anyone else. God loves all of us, even if we don’t accept him.

I don’t know why I’m still alive after what happened 5 years ago, but God has something more for me. Life, to me, is about the journey, not the destination. However, from this point forward I will place certain limits on myself. Could it be better? Of course, but I have to make due with what I have, learn from my mistakes and move on. We all do. The time will come, but that time is not now.

EDIT: After thinking this through for nearly an hour, I will say the following: If you think the last paragraph of this post has to do with cheating (which seems to be a common reaction), it really just goes to show how selfish you are. There seems to be this dividing line between philosophies here. An altruistic outlook versus a more selfish one. The closer you get to the millennial generation, the less altruism you see in personality traits. At least that’s my (cynical) opinion. This is a bit “sideways” though, for lack of a better term. Let’s put it this way:

I ain’t cheatin’ on nobody. Never have, never will.

Now that that is settled, let’s explain your selfish point of view. Selfishness is inherently neither good or bad. It is necessary for self preservation (at the very core of which is survival: food, shelter, water, and clothes). In the context of a relationship it provides stability, as it rightfully should. If your reaction is a selfish one, you are missing an opportunity to be supportive of those around you who don’t have something that they need or want. Now, whether you choose to help someone or not is of course your choice. Given the choice between the two reactions, which one do you think would look better in the eyes of God? Or if you don’t want to put it that way, which way would be beneficial to those who are your neighbors? Which choice would make you feel happier? Helping someone with a flat tire, or just driving by knowing that someone else will come along?

I have an idea!

But I can’t share it here. If I did, I might give the idea away to someone else. It’s IT related and has to do with COVID-19. It’s not a novel idea in any sense, but it’s a misunderstood and oft forgotten one, I would say. Anyway, I need to do some research first and figure out what all needs to be done before I plunge into the deep end. In some sense, I already have… I have a working prototype right here. I’m using it right now. Well, not “now”, but “now” in the sense that the prototype is working as expected. So yeah, this is pretty slick…