Pseudodementia. Word of the day.

I don’t really have any topic or plan to write anything here. I’d like to start doing music reviews regularly. Other than that, one of my hallucinations is very simple: my name. My name, in some random voice coming from some random place. My hallucinations don’t usually come from objects like radios or tvs. Lately however, I’m ready to just fill in my window with bricks.

Sometimes though, it’s just totally obvious your hallucinating. Earlier today I heard a voice call my name out about a dozen times really fast and then just stop. The hallucinations are almost always about me. That’s a dead giveaway most of the time. Putting on headphones can sometimes drown out hallucinations, but some of the loudest and most rude hallucinations I’ve ever had were with headphones on rather than off. I’ve also never had problems waking up because of hallucinations yelling or talking or whatever (yes, this is a thing).

So, anyway. Next music review will be a good one: Pachanga Boys – Time. Trance, trance, trance.

Black out!

In my life so far, other than anesthetic caused loss of consciousness, I’ve blacked out from alcohol once or twice, and from seizures. That’s pretty much normal. There is one exception to this: this happened a long time ago, a few years after I was confirmed. I was a volunteer for the confirmation retreat team as a team leader. Of course, I’m pretty introverted, so I’m not sure how good my presence is, but I enjoyed being there and it gave me a perspective that I otherwise wouldn’t have had.

One thing the confirmation retreat does is improv comedy, take for example, “Whose line is it anyway?” style humor. I honestly didn’t have a huge role in the skit we did, but I blacked out. It could’ve been the epilepsy, it could’ve been just being nervous, but I did. Regardless, it was never my intention to be offensive, and people just don’t seem to realize that. Couple that with a variety of circumstances and confusion, and the fact that I look 10 years younger than I actually am, and you get a real mess in church.

My intent was never to appear to be doing anything to another persons genitals (even if I had long hair).

Let’s set the record straight on this. It happened. Why? I don’t know. Stranger things have happened. I’m still alive for stranger things to happen yet.

You may say that “this won’t happen in my house”, but isn’t that passing judgement on the actions of another? If you want to play that game, don’t have a conversation about it in church, or I’ll mute you and/or turn off your monitor. After all, the sound man giveth and can taketh away. Who is really in control of the choir?

Interesting twists and turns in the logic here, but these aren’t new ideas in my head, nor are they necessarily my ideas. So remember that, because unless you’re paying a recording engineer in a studio, the volunteer at the soundboard does not have to turn on your mic and/or monitor 🙂 Remember that. There are 3 people that must remain miced at all times: Father J, Father G, and Deacon J. Everything else is a luxury. I realize this is hypocritical, but it’s an eye for an eye these days.

Don’t piss off the soundman.

Klonopin

Doctor said to take no more than 3 tablets of klonopin a day which amounts to 1.5mg total. Klonopin is dangerously addictive in that if you are addicted, you don’t know it. Thing is, I think its action works quite well on my seizures so I’m hesitant to stop, although I don’t get the impression he’s trying to ween me off of it, or at least if he is, he’s going very slow. As far as my Artane goes, that one I know he’s trying to ween me off of. Between both, I’ve basically just stopped taking them completely but now I’m paying the price.

My mood is fluctuating oddly today. Earlier I felt bored after my test. The SI leader (tutor) said “work towards a positive goal” but my goal is to work towards more work. I had this same problem after I graduated with my Master’s degree and moved on from academia. It’s like…now what? I had a 9 to 5 job, I paid off my student loans in 6 months, and I bought a BMW. Buying a house would’ve come next, but then I got sick instead. Somehow, money or not, life keeps going.

Let’s write a second, more productive post about something that is a misconception that seems to still be a misconception even 10-12 years later.

Hmmm….

You’d think I were drunk the last few posts I made in here. Oh well.

Knowing the difference

In my particular case, delusions and hallucinations blend into reality. Hallucinations are so vivid and realistic they sound like real people. As a result, inside my own head, I can interject pieces of conversation from another person that they never actually said. I can imagine someone cursing or yelling at me while looking right at me, when in fact they are walking right past me and not even paying attention to me.

Anyway, the point I’m getting at, is that, there is more going on here than just hallucinations and delusions. Some of it is real. That’s where you have to be careful.

Words are easy to throw around sometimes. All you would need to do is say the phrase and next thing you know, the cops are on their way. They know this, so they go inside, turn off all the lights and act like they’re asleep. Is this a possible scenario? Yes, and I think that’s exactly what happened.

Trailer trash, redneck neighbors. It’s really not that hard to figure this stuff out.

Phenomena

There’s this new phenomena going on in my life. I have noticed, I’m not stupid. I sit here and wonder. Just watched the Bourne Trilogy. Totally awesome, as always. Epic car chases one after another.

This post is not about car chases. I have one window in my room. For about a month now, it has been the source of my strongest hallucinations. At least I think so. I don’t know where this stuff comes from. About a week ago, I called the cops because I thought the neighbors made a death threat. Cops came out, investigated; everyone next door was asleep, so that was that. It is that convincing, that even when you test reality for legitimate other reasons (or in other words, you know for a fact just how loud it has to be to hear what is going on through the window) that you are hallucinating and having paranoid delusions. Houses in Florida are made of “concrete masonry units” (which is the technical and politically correct term for a CINDER BLOCK *ahem*), so even the bass from my subwoofer won’t go through the wall. It’s pretty nice. Another reason to stay in Florida. Sound proofed houses. The weak spot is the window. On introspection, there are several factors that led to this psychosis, including an error that wasn’t caught by my pharmacy.

Anyway, that’s a tangent (as usual). It seems that, somehow, women, who are somewhere between 1.5-2x my age are attracted to me for whatever reason I cannot figure out. I’m not exactly naïve despite the fact I’ve only ever had 1 long distance relationship. This only seems to have started after 1 particular conversation at church with a guy who also had a mental illness. As large as that church is, voices travel and other people can listen in on your conversation. The choir has gotten particularly nasty, at least last time I was there. It’s good that the church has a new clergy member because Father doesn’t seem to be aware of certain things, and these things might need to be delegated out to certain people so they can be monitored more closely. Like the snake on the choir stage. Hint hint.

I can do without sympathy. I don’t need sex. I just want to be loved like anyone else. God loves all of us, even if we don’t accept him.

I don’t know why I’m still alive after what happened 5 years ago, but God has something more for me. Life, to me, is about the journey, not the destination. However, from this point forward I will place certain limits on myself. Could it be better? Of course, but I have to make due with what I have, learn from my mistakes and move on. We all do. The time will come, but that time is not now.

EDIT: After thinking this through for nearly an hour, I will say the following: If you think the last paragraph of this post has to do with cheating (which seems to be a common reaction), it really just goes to show how selfish you are. There seems to be this dividing line between philosophies here. An altruistic outlook versus a more selfish one. The closer you get to the millennial generation, the less altruism you see in personality traits. At least that’s my (cynical) opinion. This is a bit “sideways” though, for lack of a better term. Let’s put it this way:

I ain’t cheatin’ on nobody. Never have, never will.

Now that that is settled, let’s explain your selfish point of view. Selfishness is inherently neither good or bad. It is necessary for self preservation (at the very core of which is survival: food, shelter, water, and clothes). In the context of a relationship it provides stability, as it rightfully should. If your reaction is a selfish one, you are missing an opportunity to be supportive of those around you who don’t have something that they need or want. Now, whether you choose to help someone or not is of course your choice. Given the choice between the two reactions, which one do you think would look better in the eyes of God? Or if you don’t want to put it that way, which way would be beneficial to those who are your neighbors? Which choice would make you feel happier? Helping someone with a flat tire, or just driving by knowing that someone else will come along?

I have an idea!

But I can’t share it here. If I did, I might give the idea away to someone else. It’s IT related and has to do with COVID-19. It’s not a novel idea in any sense, but it’s a misunderstood and oft forgotten one, I would say. Anyway, I need to do some research first and figure out what all needs to be done before I plunge into the deep end. In some sense, I already have… I have a working prototype right here. I’m using it right now. Well, not “now”, but “now” in the sense that the prototype is working as expected. So yeah, this is pretty slick…

I. HATE. ARRAYS.

Arrays are the bane of humanity. Seriously. I should add some array brackets to my semicolon tattoo because it would really be an original idea (not that I really care).

Arrays of 1 dimension are great. The occasional 2D array is fine. However 3D and 4D or potentially even more than that and you’ve got a real problem. If I can’t understand the array or the data structure what’s the point?

Anyway, bed time.

I hear music…

One night, back in Germantown, my last night there actually, I had left the bathroom fan on for some white noise. Well, the venting had some sort of echo to it that was very subtle. So, not being able to sleep, I even freaked out; earlier that day there was a bee or a wasp or so in my apartment. So, of course, I just started thrashing my pillow about wildly until I could manage to turn on the light next to me so I could “validate” the fact that there was, in fact, nothing there.

This might seem trivial to you, but imagine waking up next to a beehive.

My psychiatrist wants to put me on even more Geodon. Seems like as the dose goes higher, I have more hallucinations, not less.

I now have this amazing ability to sit down in any comfortable chair and fall asleep, just like my grandfather used to, except I’m only 35.

I’m writing this post because I’m procrastinating intentionally. A weird bug in some temperature acquisition code, might not be a bug, it could just be the way the cDAQ modules behave with no RTD connected.

OOOOH. That reminds me of something. “NI” has to gone to shit. My mentor has reported that he called NI for support and received terrible service. Eric Starklov, we know what you’re doing. Dr. T knew about your plans long before anyone else did. I saw it coming first from about the first NIWeek in Austin. Do they even do that anymore? Now is a good time to change my career before NI implodes. I wonder if they still hold the trademark rights to “National Instruments”. National Instruments NextGen, without the BS edition. You can call me Dr. L.

I’m not entirely sure what my first visual hallucination was, but perhaps I could hazard a guess. Even my therapist says I need a girlfriend. This is gonna be awful. I used to be independent living on my own in Texas and having fun. That has all changed. Corona virus doesn’t enter into this.

<several hours go by>

Still no solution to the RTD probe thingie, I might’ve had it, but I don’t have a full hardware setup here in my “office”. I’m not sure if the faux values I’m getting from the hardware are representative of what I expect. So, I’ll have to go into the lab and see if I can’t get things going using the full setup instead. That will be much easier, and hopefully it will cut out the middle man.

One last rant before I go to bed.

Thermal Grizzly Kryonaut, yes please.

Oh yes, yes please. Put this stuff on my 3900x which was crumbling under it’s own weight after continuing to add more and more thermal paste (I think it was the Noctua-HT1). Well, I don’t really think it was better than the Artic Silver V.

The Grizzly Kryonaut arrived today and I immediately applied it to my 3900x. Let’s just put it in simple terms: I used to be able to run Prime95 at low 80C, with barely any headroom to keep the system from shutting down under such a heavy load (small FFT mode). NOW, I’m getting 65C on all 24 threads.

At this point, it finally feels like the Noctua heatsink is finally actually doing something.